Pardon me as I do a little, “woe is me” rant. The best way for me to blow off steam is to write, so here we go: Today hasn’t been the peachiest of days. At least I knew in advance that this was going to be a poopy day, but that knowledge only made me dread it.
I got back from the retreat yesterday around 4-something, and all I wanted to do was sleep. I was so incredibly exhausted. I couldn’t sleep, though, because I had to open at work this morning, and I didn’t want to sleep through my alarm. I ended up taking two little naps accidentally, but by the time I went to bed, I was still able to conk out. So I was able to wake up to my alarm this morning and make it to work on time. Yay! But I was still bummed I had to wake up at all.
I got to work, and I knew that working would drain the energy I was trying to get back after this weekend. It did just that. After work I went home and had a phone call with MTW that I knew would last all the way to when I had to go to class. I wasn’t super excited about that because I had a huge test that I hadn’t studied for at all - thanks to my inability to stay awake yesterday, work this morning, and then the phone call - so I was kind of a grumpy McGrumperpants. When the call was over, I had to go to school.
Next thing I wasn’t looking forward to – having to drive an hour to school by myself. Yesterday I had to drive home from the retreat by myself and I was not very excited about that at all. I had accepted the fact that I had to drive to school twice a week by my lonesome, but one more day in the car all by myself was pushing it. There is such a thing as too much “me time.” Considering the fact that the retreat was a great time of fellowship, I obviously didn’t want that to end. While I was driving home yesterday, I kept wanting to pull over to sleep, or wallow in my loneliness, but I realized that meant I would be held up from getting home to my amazing bed and pillows. So, I pressed onward. Today when I had to get in that confounded vehicle again, I had a very poopy attitude about it. That was the last place I wanted to be.
I got to school finally, and dragged myself inside to my desk. I plopped down and studied in the little time I could before class. I was getting very aggravated at some of my classmates who were talking far too loud about the stupidest of things, so I cranked my iPod up to drown out the incessant stupidity and distraction their conversation was as I tried to study. I felt like my test went well, but the whole lonely car ride home, I somehow convinced myself that I got every answer wrong. That was discouraging to say the least.
Add onto every situation above the fact that I have been sniffling all day thanks to this atrocious cold, and that basically completes my story of self-pity.
Now that I’ve finished that, I’m going to tell you the good things that happened to me today that I barely took the time to notice: I have had a very nice string of music playing on shuffle on my iPod all day. I got a nice parking space at school. I hit every single green light on my way to school. We got new soap at work – it’s nice. I had enough change in my wallet to feed the meter at school the perfect amount. I got to work with Jeremy this morning – I missed him. I got 100% on the quiz I took last Wednesday. I watched the retreat videos multiple times to give me a smile. We’re studying something in my Japanese class that I’ve wanted to study since I took 101. God is in control.
Needless to say, I am in desperate need of prayer. God’s power in made perfect in my weakness, and that is why I’m sharing this. I am a sinner, self-centered and broken, but I am a thing of His beauty. There are other things weighing heavy on my heart that I won’t share, but please pray for me in this way: I am feeling very lonely. I am lonely in so many ways. I feel lonely in every way. But I am not alone. Please pray that I would look to Him in my times of loneliness, in my times of fulfillment, in my times of sorrow, and my times of joy. Please pray that I would seek Him all the time. I need nothing else but Him. Pray that I would see that. I understand that God may answer that request in some way I may see as drastic, but I need it. I’ve been afraid to pray that, because what if God answers by taking away someone precious to me, or burning down my house, or saying no to me going back to Japan? It doesn’t matter. I want to see Him as the most precious thing in my life. I’m thinking I’m gonna go read Job.
I've missed blogging. I'm looking forward to this. :)
